I have a hundred thousand voices inside my head telling me what's right and wrong. I feel like choosing a side would be entirely pointless. If words could sum up everything that flows through this brain, there would be no reason for me to write it all out. I watch my life play out like on a screen, and I still feel like I'm waiting for the good part. My bag of popcorn is empty, my coke is watered down, and some wanker behind me won't shut off his phone. I'm stuck in a crowded theater with a bunch of cynical critics telling their own version of a film they didn't make. Why does everyone have the right answer in their own mind?
Seven weeks I've been in this city and it's taught me one thing: that life is not to be taken seriously, but not to be laughed off either. Life is a gift that too many people toss aside like a Christmas package from that one aunt you don't really like. It's treated like that annoying cousin that everyone hopes won't show up to the reunion, but once they get there, you say "Screw it. Let's have some fun." Life is short. Too short. Nobody ever understands this until it's ripped away from you and leaves a gaping hole you can't get out of. Sometimes it takes stripping open old wounds to remind you that you're still connected, even if it's by pain. Pain is not a bad thing. Pain takes you through those dark places you avoid with every inch of yourself. Pain makes you look at yourself naked and learn to smile while doing so. Pain reflects everything that's inside you and forces you to accept what you cannot change. Love brings you through it. Pain without love is torture, but love without pain is deadly. So many people spend ungodly amounts of time, effort, and money, just so they can live their life free of pain. People cannot bare to look at themselves. We live in a culture which dabbles in masochistic lies and endless messages of self-doubt. People are sheep and they believe it.
Pain is brokenness.
Love is a dark representation of what we think we know. Love tells us that we will never find the right person no matter how hard we look. Love tells us that we will never be good enough. Love reminds us of our faults while our eyes are fixated on the perfections of that special someone.
Love is broken.
Love is manipulated into a fluffed-up daze of emotions that kneed your heart, pressing it into a box of chocolates that is sealed with a rusted lock. Love is not what people think it is. Imagine that person. Imagine losing yourself in a dream of all their quirks, ticks, perfections, imperfections, and all. Imagine them smiling. Now, imagine them smiling and knowing they are thinking about you. Now imagine what would happen if your dream of being with that person came true. Every fantasy you conjured up in your crazy brain became a reality and you were living the "good part" of your life's movie. Beautiful, isn't it. But what would happen of all of those feelings, all those fantasies of kissing in the rain, taking midnight walks, and slow dancing to a Journey's "After All These Years" came true, and it corrupted them. What if those things you loved about that person were slowly stripped away after months or even years into the relationship. You find that the person you were so taken by, was slowly dying...and it was YOUR fault. What if getting the very thing you wanted, is they very thing that destroyed them. What if the only way to avoid this happening, was to walk away? The only way to save who they are is to give up your little crush and move on. Would you do it?
If you answered yes, then congratulations, you know what love is. At least in some way. Selfless. Selflessness is the only thing that can save anyone from stumbling into a crowded bar and guzzling the cheapest whiskey they can find. Selflessness is the only way a relationship, a friendship, a partnership, it's the only way HUMANS can survive. I pray to God that we haven't been corrupted so far as to forget the most basic element in human companionship. Love is classified as many things, but the core-driven force that makes it what it is, is selflessness. A message I have had to drive into my own crazy brain recently. I pray that I have not been so corrupt as to forget this.
Perhaps love and pain can walk hand in hand as sisters. Perhaps you cannot have one without the other. Perhaps you cannot truly love someone until you learn how to let them go. Who knows? I've been racking my brain trying to figure out a good note to leave this blog on. All I know is this: life is beautiful. Life is a deep, rich, endless tapestry of dreams. If there is a God, and I do believe there is, I think He is smiling.
Maybe I should too.
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