Sometimes I wonder if I am emotionally healthy enough to be able to bounce back from stuff, or simply cynical enough not to care.
I've recently met a friend out here in LA whose fiancee left him six months ago. While he certainly is mature, he doesn't hesitate to bring up the fact that she is no longer with him, or to occasionally sit in a quiet room with nothing by Amy Lee's haunting cries filling the speakers. Don't get me wrong, I would never mock someone's pain. I did once lose someone that I deeply and naively cared for. While it was painful, I was never actually in a relationship with her, and grew from the experience. I cannot begin to imagine losing a fiancee. I suppose if your mind, body, spirit, heart, and livelihood are committed to that person, there is no question. To lose that is to lose yourself.
As for me, I do carry scars and mistakes. But each time, I've been able to bounce back. Right now, I am at a level that simply says "let life happen." If I find a connection with someone, and we find we are better not only for each other, but because of each other, then I will embrace it. But if I find someone, we connect, and then after a while, disconnect and continue our separate ways, it will hurt, but I am oddly fine with that too. It's odd. Is it emotional maturity, or apathy?
I guess I always pegged myself as a cynic, but really, after taking a hard look within, I believe in more than just waiting for a train that doesn't come. I believe while the world is small, it is still bigger than us. Surely two people can reach some kind of mutual level and connect. That's all that matters to me.
I still do not really know if this is emotional health, or blatant cynicism. But perhaps...
It is both.
Maybe we all need a healthy dose of cynicism; rather we're ending a stagnant relationship, recovering from a broken one, or simply embracing life and all the heaven and hell it comes with. It's a fact, life happens all around us. It's our choice rather we get on board or not. You can sit it out, let yourself rot, and die alone. Or, you can wait for that train, get on it, and let it "take you far away." If things are right, and you're real lucky, you just might find someone to take that ride with you.
That train looks good to me.
