I feel like this is one of those nights where some sort of deep thought should be posted. But tonight, I have no words. No poetry. No song lyric to match this night. It's like there's a song in my head that's begging to be heard, but doesn't know how to sing itself out. I'm currently lost in a lazy view from my apartment. The moon is full. The city flickers, and what looks like a highway of planes fly overhead. Coldplay's smooth piano chills my headphones, my roommates sit on laptops, and me...I'm not lonely. I'm not sad. I'm not excited. I'm not happy. I'm just...here. I'm living. I've stopped for a Matrix-style freeze frame of my life. The entire world cranked into slow-mo just long enough for me to look around and I must say, it's a beautiful sight.
I'm looking at a painting that tells stories I will never forget. So many things happen. Four people sit in a theater watching TRON for the first time. A group of people play Live Mafia after a long day at the beach. Endless debates, poolside conversations, late night walks, annoying last minute meetings, group memorial paintings, beach bonfires, and the ability to be "little and shock someone." Time goes by so maddeningly fast. It's a lucky break if you can find the time to stop and look around for a while. This painting isn't finished yet. If there are times you feel like the world is speeding by too fast, don't let it. Grab it and hold on for dear life. This is our adventure. Every breath, every night, every time you wake up, life pulsates with endless treasures it wants to give to you.
Maybe this message reached someone, or maybe I'm still crazy. But face it, we're all here together. This world was given to us as a gift, enjoy it. After all, these moments will never come again. Of course there are always new things to look forward to, but life isn't a destination, it's how you get there that's the worthier part.
"We live in a beautiful world, yeah we do."
Hey, I found a one!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Rock and Roll Dreams
"When you really, really need it the most, that's when rock and roll dreams come through."
I haven't been able to figure out why this lyric has stuck itself in my head and won't leave. This entire day, I've been waiting for the right moment, the right place, or the right Facebook status mood update to use this. But really, I've been dwelling on the song.
The first few lines go something like "you can't run away forever, but there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start." Later it talks about shutting yourself out from a broken heart. What a wonderful cliche in a classic rock song, right? Wounded hearts, broken dreams, dark Los Angeles nights blah blah blah...
It's 10:43 pm, and I'm sitting here at the center alone, with nothing but the ghostly hum of the streetcars below. The truth is, I'm still waiting for that dream. I'm waiting for that moment where the audience cheers, the protagonist (yours truly) meets his clear external goal (thank you HPW), and jumps his way to the emotionally satisfying ending. Honestly, just a little foreshadowing would be welcome. In my last blog, I mentioned how I view my life as me sitting in a theater alone, and watching it play out on screen. I feel like I'm leaning forward, like something major, some kind of massive turning point is about to happen which will determine the rest of the story. Honest to Oprah, the suspense is killing me! When does the good guy get the girl? When does he defeat the bad guy? When does he make the decision to push on through to the climax?? DOES HE EVEN DO THESE THINGS AT ALL??!!?
Sigh...just wait.
"Just wait" this voice tells me. Wait for when it's right. I could spend hours describing everything that is ticking through this crazy brain of mine, and I probably still wouldn't be able to make it clear enough. The truth is, if there is no other reason for me to walk through this planet for however long or short of a time the Good Lord gives me, I want people to be okay. That's all I want. My mind is aching from hearing countless arguments, both religious and otherwise, which have driven families apart. I can think of friendships which have been ripped right to the core because of a misunderstanding, or a broken promise, or a dating relationship that got in the way. (You know who you are.) I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I am tired of listening to people fight. I wish life wasn't so short, but it is. I stab myself in the foot just as much as those I am preaching to because I myself have held a grudge against someone for a while. I must let this go.
I will not end this blog on a majorly spiritual note or a Bible verse. I merely want to send a message to the world. If you choose to read, then thanks for escaping to my little place in time for a while. We all share our own rock and roll dreams, why else would we be in this city if we didn't? So, thanks dear Los Angeles. May we continue to revel in this crazy world we live in, and maybe, leave it a little better than when we came into it.
Rock on fellow travelers!
I haven't been able to figure out why this lyric has stuck itself in my head and won't leave. This entire day, I've been waiting for the right moment, the right place, or the right Facebook status mood update to use this. But really, I've been dwelling on the song.
The first few lines go something like "you can't run away forever, but there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start." Later it talks about shutting yourself out from a broken heart. What a wonderful cliche in a classic rock song, right? Wounded hearts, broken dreams, dark Los Angeles nights blah blah blah...
It's 10:43 pm, and I'm sitting here at the center alone, with nothing but the ghostly hum of the streetcars below. The truth is, I'm still waiting for that dream. I'm waiting for that moment where the audience cheers, the protagonist (yours truly) meets his clear external goal (thank you HPW), and jumps his way to the emotionally satisfying ending. Honestly, just a little foreshadowing would be welcome. In my last blog, I mentioned how I view my life as me sitting in a theater alone, and watching it play out on screen. I feel like I'm leaning forward, like something major, some kind of massive turning point is about to happen which will determine the rest of the story. Honest to Oprah, the suspense is killing me! When does the good guy get the girl? When does he defeat the bad guy? When does he make the decision to push on through to the climax?? DOES HE EVEN DO THESE THINGS AT ALL??!!?
Sigh...just wait.
"Just wait" this voice tells me. Wait for when it's right. I could spend hours describing everything that is ticking through this crazy brain of mine, and I probably still wouldn't be able to make it clear enough. The truth is, if there is no other reason for me to walk through this planet for however long or short of a time the Good Lord gives me, I want people to be okay. That's all I want. My mind is aching from hearing countless arguments, both religious and otherwise, which have driven families apart. I can think of friendships which have been ripped right to the core because of a misunderstanding, or a broken promise, or a dating relationship that got in the way. (You know who you are.) I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I am tired of listening to people fight. I wish life wasn't so short, but it is. I stab myself in the foot just as much as those I am preaching to because I myself have held a grudge against someone for a while. I must let this go.
I will not end this blog on a majorly spiritual note or a Bible verse. I merely want to send a message to the world. If you choose to read, then thanks for escaping to my little place in time for a while. We all share our own rock and roll dreams, why else would we be in this city if we didn't? So, thanks dear Los Angeles. May we continue to revel in this crazy world we live in, and maybe, leave it a little better than when we came into it.
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Reality of Pain and Love
I have a hundred thousand voices inside my head telling me what's right and wrong. I feel like choosing a side would be entirely pointless. If words could sum up everything that flows through this brain, there would be no reason for me to write it all out. I watch my life play out like on a screen, and I still feel like I'm waiting for the good part. My bag of popcorn is empty, my coke is watered down, and some wanker behind me won't shut off his phone. I'm stuck in a crowded theater with a bunch of cynical critics telling their own version of a film they didn't make. Why does everyone have the right answer in their own mind?
Seven weeks I've been in this city and it's taught me one thing: that life is not to be taken seriously, but not to be laughed off either. Life is a gift that too many people toss aside like a Christmas package from that one aunt you don't really like. It's treated like that annoying cousin that everyone hopes won't show up to the reunion, but once they get there, you say "Screw it. Let's have some fun." Life is short. Too short. Nobody ever understands this until it's ripped away from you and leaves a gaping hole you can't get out of. Sometimes it takes stripping open old wounds to remind you that you're still connected, even if it's by pain. Pain is not a bad thing. Pain takes you through those dark places you avoid with every inch of yourself. Pain makes you look at yourself naked and learn to smile while doing so. Pain reflects everything that's inside you and forces you to accept what you cannot change. Love brings you through it. Pain without love is torture, but love without pain is deadly. So many people spend ungodly amounts of time, effort, and money, just so they can live their life free of pain. People cannot bare to look at themselves. We live in a culture which dabbles in masochistic lies and endless messages of self-doubt. People are sheep and they believe it.
Pain is brokenness.
Love is a dark representation of what we think we know. Love tells us that we will never find the right person no matter how hard we look. Love tells us that we will never be good enough. Love reminds us of our faults while our eyes are fixated on the perfections of that special someone.
Love is broken.
Love is manipulated into a fluffed-up daze of emotions that kneed your heart, pressing it into a box of chocolates that is sealed with a rusted lock. Love is not what people think it is. Imagine that person. Imagine losing yourself in a dream of all their quirks, ticks, perfections, imperfections, and all. Imagine them smiling. Now, imagine them smiling and knowing they are thinking about you. Now imagine what would happen if your dream of being with that person came true. Every fantasy you conjured up in your crazy brain became a reality and you were living the "good part" of your life's movie. Beautiful, isn't it. But what would happen of all of those feelings, all those fantasies of kissing in the rain, taking midnight walks, and slow dancing to a Journey's "After All These Years" came true, and it corrupted them. What if those things you loved about that person were slowly stripped away after months or even years into the relationship. You find that the person you were so taken by, was slowly dying...and it was YOUR fault. What if getting the very thing you wanted, is they very thing that destroyed them. What if the only way to avoid this happening, was to walk away? The only way to save who they are is to give up your little crush and move on. Would you do it?
If you answered yes, then congratulations, you know what love is. At least in some way. Selfless. Selflessness is the only thing that can save anyone from stumbling into a crowded bar and guzzling the cheapest whiskey they can find. Selflessness is the only way a relationship, a friendship, a partnership, it's the only way HUMANS can survive. I pray to God that we haven't been corrupted so far as to forget the most basic element in human companionship. Love is classified as many things, but the core-driven force that makes it what it is, is selflessness. A message I have had to drive into my own crazy brain recently. I pray that I have not been so corrupt as to forget this.
Perhaps love and pain can walk hand in hand as sisters. Perhaps you cannot have one without the other. Perhaps you cannot truly love someone until you learn how to let them go. Who knows? I've been racking my brain trying to figure out a good note to leave this blog on. All I know is this: life is beautiful. Life is a deep, rich, endless tapestry of dreams. If there is a God, and I do believe there is, I think He is smiling.
Maybe I should too.
Seven weeks I've been in this city and it's taught me one thing: that life is not to be taken seriously, but not to be laughed off either. Life is a gift that too many people toss aside like a Christmas package from that one aunt you don't really like. It's treated like that annoying cousin that everyone hopes won't show up to the reunion, but once they get there, you say "Screw it. Let's have some fun." Life is short. Too short. Nobody ever understands this until it's ripped away from you and leaves a gaping hole you can't get out of. Sometimes it takes stripping open old wounds to remind you that you're still connected, even if it's by pain. Pain is not a bad thing. Pain takes you through those dark places you avoid with every inch of yourself. Pain makes you look at yourself naked and learn to smile while doing so. Pain reflects everything that's inside you and forces you to accept what you cannot change. Love brings you through it. Pain without love is torture, but love without pain is deadly. So many people spend ungodly amounts of time, effort, and money, just so they can live their life free of pain. People cannot bare to look at themselves. We live in a culture which dabbles in masochistic lies and endless messages of self-doubt. People are sheep and they believe it.
Pain is brokenness.
Love is a dark representation of what we think we know. Love tells us that we will never find the right person no matter how hard we look. Love tells us that we will never be good enough. Love reminds us of our faults while our eyes are fixated on the perfections of that special someone.
Love is broken.
Love is manipulated into a fluffed-up daze of emotions that kneed your heart, pressing it into a box of chocolates that is sealed with a rusted lock. Love is not what people think it is. Imagine that person. Imagine losing yourself in a dream of all their quirks, ticks, perfections, imperfections, and all. Imagine them smiling. Now, imagine them smiling and knowing they are thinking about you. Now imagine what would happen if your dream of being with that person came true. Every fantasy you conjured up in your crazy brain became a reality and you were living the "good part" of your life's movie. Beautiful, isn't it. But what would happen of all of those feelings, all those fantasies of kissing in the rain, taking midnight walks, and slow dancing to a Journey's "After All These Years" came true, and it corrupted them. What if those things you loved about that person were slowly stripped away after months or even years into the relationship. You find that the person you were so taken by, was slowly dying...and it was YOUR fault. What if getting the very thing you wanted, is they very thing that destroyed them. What if the only way to avoid this happening, was to walk away? The only way to save who they are is to give up your little crush and move on. Would you do it?
If you answered yes, then congratulations, you know what love is. At least in some way. Selfless. Selflessness is the only thing that can save anyone from stumbling into a crowded bar and guzzling the cheapest whiskey they can find. Selflessness is the only way a relationship, a friendship, a partnership, it's the only way HUMANS can survive. I pray to God that we haven't been corrupted so far as to forget the most basic element in human companionship. Love is classified as many things, but the core-driven force that makes it what it is, is selflessness. A message I have had to drive into my own crazy brain recently. I pray that I have not been so corrupt as to forget this.
Perhaps love and pain can walk hand in hand as sisters. Perhaps you cannot have one without the other. Perhaps you cannot truly love someone until you learn how to let them go. Who knows? I've been racking my brain trying to figure out a good note to leave this blog on. All I know is this: life is beautiful. Life is a deep, rich, endless tapestry of dreams. If there is a God, and I do believe there is, I think He is smiling.
Maybe I should too.
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